Dear Diary - T Minus 3 - Countdown!

Sunday.... Monday.... Tuesday.... Flyday... Off we go! Wha Hey! 

Flapping our way over the ocean to Meedhupparu... to spend two weeks with a crowd of camera-mad Chinese, corpulent Russians and down-at-heel bankers from Basildon on a sand bank the size of six football fields.

  

Now then, neither the Chinese, nor the Russians understand the first thing about forming an orderly queue, unless one is waving a flag or an umbrella. It'll be hell at the buffet table. So we shall be packing our own flag emblazoned with  我的身后形成一个队列 and the equally incomprehensible форма очереди за мной which means "... form a queue behind me." in their respective languages.

The bar will, doubtlessly, be a trickier option. Here there will be a orderly queue of corpulent pink Britons stretching twice around the island waiting for a hollowed green coconut full of paint stripper and pineapple garnished with a paper umbrella. Unlike surfers or divers, who are both culturally übercool, they'll all be sunburned snorkelers... with a book. "... Barry saw a Moorish Idol this morning...Zanclus Cornutus... you know - the one with the black bands..." "Really?, our Sophie had a Napoleon Wrasse encounter at about half past four this afternoon." "Oh, for God's sake... can I just get a glass of wine and a beer... please?" "Tut, tut...What's his rush?"

Now, on the principle that we are going to Meedhupparu to chill out, lower our blood pressure and relax, this  probable scenario could be rather counter-productive; with me biting Shaz on the nose in frustration and being exiled to Kerala on a dhoni. I believe that the answer to this potential dilemma is the judicious use of the Greenback. Based on experience, we have 48 hours during which to identify a waiter who isn't an Islamic or Christian fundamentalist, who smokes and drinks, who doesn't have any money and needs some and who dislikes being patronised. That's our man! He has no power, but he has influence. In the age-old tradition of "I'll help you if you help me"... or "You help me and I'll help you" we should be able to exchange $US for service. Problem solved. Apart from Shaz who'll be shouting "How come they got served before us... we're in the queue!" And the sun will set, a huge orange ball, reflected in the brown glass of my empty beer bottles.