Dear Diary - Day 10

Today, with not a lot to do apart from watch fish, I think that we should go on a bar crawl. We have now identified the five drinking establishments on the island. The challenge is in charting our course between them in such a way as to maximize the potential of each whilst, of course, minimizing the risks.

I have done an initial risk assessment and the risks are as follows: Death, injury, sickness and getting caught short of a lavatory. To minimize these risks we will consume alcohol according to a strict schedule and route. We will enquire of each other’s health at each stop along the way. We shall wear high-visibility bathing costumes at all times. Should we be separated we will head for the next bar on the list and await the other’s arrival. If, in two hours, the other has not turned up we will retrace our steps to the previous bar keeping a beady eye on the vegetation as we go. If, by nightfall, we have not found each other, we shall presume the worst.

The deadline is to watch the sunset, at 18h30, from the “Grill Bar”. Assuming, from experience, that it takes us 15 minutes to drink each drink, and working backwards from our end point, and taking the unique challenge of drinks 7 and 8 into consideration, I am thinking that the outing needs to start at 16h00. Good, that’s the schedule done… now, the route.

It is probably best to start with “The Sunrise Bar”. That’s the one on the beach next to the Ruskies’ “Exotic Village”. Interestingly, this little palm frond roofed bar doesn’t even appear on any of the maps of the island. This is perhaps the most challenging as we could get our drinks spiked with polonium and end up with our hair falling out. Two drinks should be enough here lest we forsake the wits that we may need to escape unharmed.

A gentle meander through the gardens, or a flat out sprint if we’re being chased by the KGB, will eventually bring us out at the “Pool Bar” which is immediately adjacent to the “Main Bar”. The last time we tried this route we ended up walking around and around the tennis courts. Without the stars to guide us we may have to fashion a sextant out of a coconut. My plan is to follow the crows. They go where the food is.

Presuming that we eventually make it to the “Pool Bar” and the “Main Bar” we will be faced with another challenge. As we’re more likely to get wet in the “Pool Bar” than the “Main Bar” I think we should do the “Main Bar” first. That’s the boring bar. It’s a bit like drinking in an aircraft hangar with crap music. The seats are uncomfortable and, as this is where the wi-fi is, everyone is glued to their i-pads. Two here should be more than sufficient.

 A few languid paces across the wooden decking and we will stroll, fully clothed, into the swimming pool, where we will get wet. The “Pool Bar”, as the name suggests, is in the middle of the swimming pool. Here, waist deep in a cocktail of chlorine and urine, we shall enjoy drinks numbers 5 and 6. It has a particular charm this drinking-in-the-water business. There are a few people who came out on the flight with us who have not left this bar in 10 days. We shall avoid them.

 Leaving the administrative epicenter behind us we will then walk, dripping wet, to the “Beach Bar”. Sitting on a couple of French café chairs under the shade of a palm tree we will engage drinks numbers 7 and 8. As we have been given the challenge of trying to drink a beer underwater, this is the place we shall try this trick. The cans of beer necessary to attempt this death-defying stunt will cost us $7.00 each plus a 10% service charge and a 3.84% tourist tax. However, having already consumed six beers our courage will be up and damn the cost!

 Finally, having doubtlessly swallowed a couple of pints of seawater, and possibly a few small fish, we shall then head for the “Grill Bar” and home. This is the best bar on the island and a great place to watch the sun set on Day 10. Here we will round the day of with drinks numbers 9, 10. Then, followed shortly, by numbers 11 and 12.

After 12 beers it would probably be a good idea to have something to eat. Given the apparent shortage of suitable kebab shops on the island we’ll probably have to make do with a steak at the “Grill Bar” as I doubt that either of us will be keen on retracing our steps back to the Main Restaurant.

What a cunning plan! I shall take the camera to capture the proof of our efforts…

 (As you will see from the photographs that precede each paragraph, the day went very much according to plan. And so Day 10 was, to all intents and purposes, an outstanding success. Sadly, there was no sunset to speak of.

When we got to the Grill Bar it was “Chef’s Night” which involved all of the bar staff, who on Spanish Night had to dress as flamenco dancers, donning chef’s hats. There was music… in the loosest possible sense of the word… played with fortitude by a barman, with no musical talent or training, on an electric keyboard. If a gecko had run up and down his keys it would have sounded more pleasing. Still, after 16 beers we couldn’t have cared less. I even clapped once or twice…

Finally, to answer Mr Mark Gamon’s earlier comment, and to satiate his pre-occupation with my drinking beer underwater with the fishes,… here’s our alternative attempt….)