Meedhupparu 2011

You read this nonsense at your own risk. Should you get bitten in the jugular vein by a fruit bat, suffer from a bad case of diarrhoea, stand on a stone fish, have a coconut fall on your head causing permanent brain damage, get swept away on a tsunami or murdered by the chap who lays petals on your bed spelling out "Happy Wedding Anniversary" - we are not responsible. This is a work of complete fiction, and any similarities between those living and dead are entirely coincidental. Okay? Read on...

So... Who The Hell Are These Two?

If there's anyone left in contemporary middle-class England with expendable income I very much doubt that they would choose to spend their holiday with these two people.

Firstly, the two of them both smoke. "How absolutely disgusting!" I hear you cry; "Where's the manager?! Get 'No Smoking' signs out here right now! Smash the ashtrays with a shellfish! Condemn them to a life on a remote island somewhere!". Ahem.. yes... precisely.

Secondly, they drink alcohol to excess. "Oh Dear; they're not going to vomit on my expensive white sand are they?" Well, no. They drink to excess all of the time and they're pretty used to it by now. They do not own a football shirt or a pair of Union Jack undertrousers between them, and they never raise their voices, argue or fight. But you might find them asleep in the undergrowth on your way to breakfast.

Thirdly, they enjoy dancing with each other to loud music "Oh my word! Where's the manager?" Don't panic; they have two pairs of wireless headphones that can receive a transmission from their i-pod. So you're more likely to see them gyrating synchronously for no apparent reason than disturbing your tranquility.

Finally, they live in Salford, Greater Manchester, home to the Northern contingent of the 2011 civil riots.

"Oh Dahling... Let's go to Lamu Island instead and get captured by Somali pirates! They must be far, far, nicer and more interesting than anyone from Salford!"

This is an arguable point.

On the up side... the two of them have seen a lot, if not most, of the world. They are tolerant of culture, religion and language. They are quiet and keep to themselves.

They're married (to each other - monogamously). Their son is 16 years' old and happy at home with his computer; and, before you get the social services involved, he's being cared for by the house sitter. They have a spoiled cat called Mademoiselle Stella Artois. She too, is being looked after by the house sitter. You can stand the RSPCA down.

They are not interested in how much money you've made, or what car you drive, where you live, what you "do", whose clothes you wear or when you were married. They do not go on holiday to become best mates with Theo and Hillary so that they can exchange Christmas cards; or join them in an obscure provincial Swingers' Circle.

Most importantly, this is a holiday that they are both looking forward to. The two of them have no expectations. Every day is an adventure. They are looking to de-stress in the sun for a couple of weeks. And, as this is the first time that they have visited the Maldives, or been on one of those terribly declassé all-inclusive holidays, this blog should be very enlightening to anyone wishing to visit Meedhupparu to do the same.

Think of this as Trip Advisor for the traveller, not the tourist...

The Hard Facts...

The Maldives is a chain of 26 atolls lying 500kms South-Southwest of Kerala in India and 600kms Southwest of Sri Lanka

The capital is Malé

Currency is the Rufiyaa (Notes) and Laari (Coins) but US Dollars are preferred It is appreciated if you you tip in dollars. $1 per bag for courier services. 10% for service.

It is a Muslim country, and the importation of alcohol is forbidden; you'll have your duty free alcohol confiscated. The consumption of alcohol in the resorts is tolerated in the name of tourism.
The Time Zone is GMT +5 hours
The flight time from Manchester, UK, is 10 hours 50 minutes
The highest point in the Maldives is 2.5 metres above sea level which means, according to global warming forecasters, that the entire country will disappear by 2100.
The island of Meedhupparu is situated 5.30°N between the longitudes 72.30°E and 73.30°E. It is a 45-minute air taxi ride from Malé

The island is 265 metres long by 165 metres wide

(That's 43,725 square metres. The pitch at Old Trafford is 7,371 square metres. So the island is about the same size as 6 football fields.)

The Lonely Planet health and safety guide lists sunburn as the greatest risk to health. It states "It would be unlucky to be hit by a falling coconut, but it does happen". I guess a tsunami would be pretty tricky too.

The electricity supply is mostly 240V 50Hz with UK square 3-pin sockets.

Bring it on....

A well-used MacBook Pro 15" OS X 10.6.8 Laptop with Photoshop V8 & Final Cut Pro V7 installed and a Lacie Rugged 500Gb external drive

A Sony HXR-MC50E video camera with a spare battery and a spare memory card

Pioneer SE-MJ3 folding headphones

A trusty Canon Ixus 85 IS 10 Megapixel point-and-shoot camera with a WP-DC23 waterproof housing

An old i-Pod Nano with two pairs of TeckNet Rapoo Wireless Headphones

(and a 3.5mm splitter to take the two transmitters)

An i-Phone 4 and an i-Phone 4S both on contract with Vodafone in the UK with international roaming enabled

Various bits of electric string to link them all together and recharge their batteries

Meedhupparu 2011

Friday, 21 October 2011

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